I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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