so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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