I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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