Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
