I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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