I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
