It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
