if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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