I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
