two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
