Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
