Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
