Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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