so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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