Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
