I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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