The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
