Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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