Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
