life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
