Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
