the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
