Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
