You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
