sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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