guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
