this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
