i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Quick, to the slutcave!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
