I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
