Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Walk of Shame today included voting.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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