Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
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I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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