I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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