saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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