I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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