I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
