as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
