i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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