That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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