she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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