Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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