i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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