***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
