I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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