Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
