my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
