wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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