I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
