remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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