Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
