you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
