I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
