I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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