Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
