This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
