dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
