Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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