I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
