Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
